yo, world!
the hustle and the bustle,
between me and the city,
destitute of refuge
a turn to return.
frustrated :S
Saturday, December 30, 2006
hmm hello, im sorry i havent blogged liked for a month or like a really long time. its not that i have been like really busy or anything. but i like got nothing nice to blog about. i would rather talk to my friends. its more fun than blogging. (sorry blogger! haha) hmm so, no nice ppl to talk to now, so i should blog. hmm. i dunno what to talk about. lets start with my frustration. why am i so frustrated. so angry. hahaha.
besides. prefects camp just ended. it was AMAZINGLY slack! XD jaja. araki jangjang e jang rakopyakapong. (oops being random janger-memories-recording. HAHA. syf. :S) okay. the cheering session was like really short, quite fun. but a lot of knock it downs and then like we had to stay in the knock it down for a really long time...hahah. was quite tiring. okay. so after the long knock it downs and all that, we had a briefing. guess what it was about? the theme-nurture with brotherly love! haha. sounded so hypocritical. hahaha. quite wierd. you act all so stringent then you act so nice...so wierd lah. hahaha. but in the end it was quite fun. the two ppl, during selection camp which i kinda disliked and hated a lot, i found out that they are actually NICE PPL! omg. i wouldnt believe i would be saying this a few months back. i thought they would be like the worst few ppl ever lah. hahaha. (no offence!) hmm...so anyway, we found out morabout them. i got tao-ed by jonwong, when i asked him about his current cca. hahahaha. hmm so anyway, i made new friends, loved ppl (rmb the theme? hahaha.) jkjk... and got my badge. XD gosh. i feel so happy. i got a badge. which makes me think about it. responsibility. wah. when you talk about being a prefect, you would think about being responsible, reliable, being like good at everything.
hmm....there was one thing that kinda pissed me off lah. it could be a passing remark or whatever, but it wasnt nice, hell it wasnt. it really got me pissed off. it enraged me. it maddened me. (sounds familiar? julius ceaser ;) okay. there was some prefect that called me action. i mean i think he probably said that cause i was like- you know wearing a jacket wherever i went lah, i mean like so what? i was just lazy to carry it wherever i went and i definetely not want to put it on the floor, it will be damn dirty. so obviously i will wear it right? its oaky right? cmon lah...okay so anyway, that really destroyed my mood for the evening. and to like prevent being like pissed off again. i created a fine line between me and the others. i kinda stood far apart from the rest. so to prevent getting hurt again. so i like just stood by myself, started reflecting, thinking about what happened this year, knowing myself better, thinking about the incidents which made me happy and jubilant, and the times which made me pissed off, made me mad, made me sad. sigh. haha. but i love it when i speak to some ppl, they really make you happy. (: hahaha. so, some ppl just said hello, and kinda disturbed my reflection lah, but haha. nvm one lah. hmm then er lets see....some ppl came and talked to me. just chatting a bit hahaha. [that was before we went into the LT lah]
so after that, we went into the LT and then i like, again, separated myself from the rest, i sat by myself. but then ppl will follow one lah. so...yah. i closed my eyes, and again, started reflecting. then suddenly some ppl walked passed and asked whether i was crying...HAHAHA. that was quite funny. really brigtened my night up. x) thanks bensim! hahaha. okay. so thats pretty much what happened. i kinda like wanted, not really like a huge want or anything, but thought of being in the exco of cheering. hmm. haha. i dunno lah. but like, i have om and all that, so... yah. nvm lor. still got next year ;D yup. okay. enough of talking about camp.
let me explain my real frustration. christian friends. i need you! okay my problem:
i want to go to another church, BUT:
i have been in my current church for like the past (nearly) 14 years of my life! i mean like if you were to suddenly leave, what would ppl think of you. and then im like not really into any ministry, other than childrens ministry, which i now, like kinda dislike, i mean it gets a little boring doing the same thing over and over again. probably because i didnt have the grace and strength of God to help me perservere. i think i was like kinda by myself this year. kinda astray, not really being what God wanted me to. i really feel quite sad. as im doing everything by my own strength, and not even tapping on free strength from God, when i can. i mean like, why not get help from others when you can, and when it is always there for you. i havent read the bible for like the whole year or smth lah. as you could say, i was backslidden (if such a word exists).but FINALLY on the second last day of the year, i finally started reading the bible, and did devotions lah. i think it is really an accomplishment. x) yay! finally lah.
the strange thing was that, i rededicated my life to God, not in my church, but in another church. strange eh? i guess probably Jesus was knocking on the door of my heart, asking to go in. wanting me to accept this special gift again. i dont see why not lah. its good. He spoke to me. he made me reconsider my life. how i was thinking of leading it. yup. so why not leave it to him. and get all the help you can. so, anyway, getting back to the topic, i am like in the middle of two regions in my current church. im not going for my youth service, it is like not really speaking to me. and like the ppl there are quite cold, not very warm like the ppl in the service i went to, the ppl there are like super nice lah, strangers will shake your hand and make you feel at home, they will make you feel so happy and warm. i like that kind of feeling. let me explain more about the two regions part. my former region (at serangoon area), is like quite far away, and like im not with good terms with my friends there. i dunno why, but its like we hardly talk to each other. WHAT HAPPENED? i thought we were really good friends, i thought we were. but i seriously have no idea what happened which made us so far apart. then in like the supposedly new region, which we were supposed to go to in the beginning of this year. the pastor, in charge of my father (cause he is in the childrens ministry), said that we should try and stay till the end of the year, which we did, then now, we have to request again before we leave, he requests us to stay till end of jan, BUT NOW, HE CALLED MY FATHER TO SAY THAT WE SHOULD LEAVE BY THE END OF FIRST QUARTER...! he keeps saying this and that, he seems like so... when he says that he is like sorry that he has to make us stay longer.... it makes us feel sick of hearing it. so my mum is like saying that she is really pissed off and angry lah....so sigh. i dunno.
i prefer the other church a lot more. i understand what the preacher is talking about, it is really like easy to understand. it has a few points, which are understandable. but then now like, our church is like not really interesting. the pastors just make a super long speech. i odnt really get what they are talking about. nothing really gets into my head. i just like dont seem to understand. maybe my heart is not really open. and im also like not in a cell. i have no idea what g12 is like, but i can tell you, a LOT of ppl have left our church cause of this idea. it is like...i dunno lah. ppl just dont really like change, im no exception. id rather go to another church where a cell is quite big and the ppl are friendly and like hospitable. :D sigh. so how? i want to go the other church. but i want to stay. yet again. so how? can somebody give me some advice?
